NEW COLLECTION: Two Years with Mister R.: One Man’s Journey with Sexual Assault a Little Farther Down the Road

Last year S P Clark released a collection of poetry, One Year with Mister R.: A Poetry Collection of Man’s Journey with Sexual Assault, which told the story of his emotions, his struggles, and how he navigated his way through his first year after being raped.  Over the next few pages you will read a 10 new poems written in the weeks and days leading up to the second year “anniversary”, as well some pieces written on the day, and a few from the days after the yeartide. 

The first poem, Ominous Overture, picks up from the last poem included in One Year with Mister R, Overture.  There appeared to be hope but how does that feel now as we approach another milestone.  In that original collection there was a poem detailing a whole week after six months of living with the unwelcome Mister R. in his brain.  This has been revisited to show how the week of the second anniversary has been experienced, One Week: 24 Months On.

Revisiting the experience is never easy but he feels it is important to express that the journey didn’t just end, and as a record of where he is at this point.  The realisation that the road he has “travelled is long, but the track ahead, if lucky, will stretch on for many more miles than those already beaten”.

Two Years with Mister R.: One Man’s Journey with Sexual Assault a Little Farther Down the Road

Ominous Overture

I ended year one with a sense of hope

The strings lifting my soul for the experience ahead

As I close my eyes to listen, discord resoundingly rebounds against my ear

Note by note, string by string

Each note a knife (sharp, attacking, dagger-deep-devastation)

The road becomes full of potholes

The sun too bright to see

The night too dark for safety to be a possibility

The music – strained

Pained, ominous. 

I don’t want the overture to end, because of what might wait in store when it does.

---

Approaching

Laying in the arms of the first man I’ve loved since it happened

That warm embrace

That safety

And then I cried

Uncontrollable floods filled the air and I couldn’t breathe

I couldn’t speak

I couldn’t move.

Just when I thought I could be happy

Mister R. broke me down again

Shattered the bliss.

---

Checkmate

For two years I’ve been playing chess with Mister R.

He saw me and I was en prise for a five-minute blitz

Left on the floor, an isolated pawn

Now…well, I can’t move forward and I can’t turn back

All of the pieces on the board have turned dark and black

Checkmate.

---

Hate

So many unused emotions

But I’ve gone through them all today

So many roads that I could take

But I still can’t find my way

So many words dancing around inside my brain

But I can’t find words good enough to say.

Mister R. left me with rage

Mister R. left me uncertain and I cannot read the gauge

Mister R. diminished the words I clumsily write down on the page.

I hate you Mister R.

And you’ve left me hating myself.

---

Hurt

I want to hurt someone

It might release my pain

Or would it leave me wallowing in more guilt and shame?

It would make me…him.

---

Buckle

Standing at a urinal in the toilets of a pub reading the graffiti scribbled on the once white tiles on the wall as I spray dehydrated urine and the remnants of the morning semen that the tissues didn’t quite catch

The mind empty as I blankly go about my business

The calm of a quiet public toilet was interrupted by footsteps and a man approached a urinal as far away from where I stood as possible – he knows the rules

Suddenly I heard the clanking of the double prong against the buckle and frame

I felt fear.

Next thing I knew I was being helped up from a foetal position against the urinal.

That sound

That sound

That sound

That sound overtook me and I was back in that alley, back in danger and still frozen to the spot.

---

All The Emotions

The lights in my brain were flickering wildly today

They were deciding whether to stay on or whether to turn out forever

They stood me in the brightness of clarity

They left me in the shadows

Second-by-second my mind was fizzing between existence and extinction

My life has been plagued by some malediction

No distinction between tears and laughter, strength and weakness, pain and ease, rough and smooth, flashback and fast-forward.

I nearly stepped out in front of a bus, so close I could smell the tarnished red paint

Then as I cried I maniacally laughed and showed restraint

All the emotions leaping up and down

Standing to attention, sinking then drowning

All the emotions darting in and out

Shame filling my heart, infecting me throughout.

The lights in my brain were flickering wildly today

If they went out…I’d be at peace. 

He’d win

I’d lose.

---

Why Can’t I?

I assume that Mister R. is having dinner with friends

Laughing

Joking

Going to work and being respected

His persona will be one never rejected

Consequence free and free to live as he chooses

He always wins and the survivor just loses

Loses their mind

Their freedom to live

Their body’s not their own and their heart it is shattered

No more bruises to show but their brain is still battered

He did up his belt, walked away and moved on

He moved on

Why can’t I?

---

One Week: 24 Months On

MONDAY

It’s here the week I never thought I’d dread

The week that came and kicked me in the shins and forced damaging thoughts into my head

Today I remembered every moment of pain and hurt and how my arse bled

The spit upon my neck and the frozen movements when I should have been fighting back instead

I remembered the agony of living that seeped, in a moment, through every pour and every thread

My being was no longer mine; I couldn’t wash the filth away beneath the showerhead

I wanted to be dead.

The flashbacks reappeared and from the biscuit in my hand came the feel of flesh

Wish I could hit that button, turn around and refresh.

Spent the night pretending at a quiz filled with friends

Too much alcohol and hurt to navigate the twists, the turns, the bends

No amount of numbing heals, soothes or mends.

TUESDAY

Launched myself into work to neglect the feelings inside

There was nowhere to hide

Except the toilets where I sat on the floor and cried.

Brushed myself off and painted on a smile.

WEDNESDAY

Mister R. ran amuck today chasing me through the narrow corridors of my brain

Every step made me stumble so his paws could grasp a hold again

I was back in the alleyway staring at the serial number of the dumpster

Devoid of joy

Bereft of emotions, for a moment, until they suddenly swarmed towards me and streamed abruptly from every pore.

Mister R. ran amuck today chasing me through the narrow corridors of my brain

Mister R. is attacking me

Attacking me all over again.

THURSDAY

2 years since Mister R. forcibly came into my life

I felt the same as I did on day 1.

The space between the pavement and the road seemed invisible and the bus looked like an inviting end

But once again I froze

No choice but to live another day

I guess it wasn’t meant to end on the anniversary of when it began.

FRIDAY

Hours in the gym punishing my body

Making it feel as bad as the thoughts in my head

Perhaps the aching muscles would take away the stain inside my brain so I could relax enough to breathe.

The air was smog and the muscles recovered

He’s still here

A squatter in my life.

SATURDAY

Another busy day with little time to reflect but at least I smiled with genuine happiness at certain points

I began to live again. 

Mister R. only ruined three hours of daylight but gave a night of endless unrest.

SUNDAY

I don’t want to carry on fighting

I don’t want to keep on feeling this way

But I don’t want to end it all

I can’t end it all – I’m not that fucking brave

The road I’ve travelled is long, but the track ahead, if lucky, will stretch on for many more miles than those already beaten.

© S P Clark